A strongly worded letter to the Pope

For Susanna, as promised xx

Dear Papa Francisco,

Having recently returned home after completing a section of the Camino de Santiago from St Jean to Finisterre, I have a few observations I'd like to bring to your attention.

There was no mention in the pilgrim's office of where to send letters of complaint to, so I hope you'll forgive me for going straight to the top.

I have had a word with your boss, but as you know, he works in mysterious ways and these issues require a more pragmatic response.

I understand you're very busy at the moment, and that the visit from the Trumps must have really taken it out of you, but I'm hoping you'll be sympathetic to my arguments.

Showers
I know I don't need to lecture you on the symbolic and healing power of water, so imagine how it feels to arrive at your hostel after a long and most likely painful day of walking to find yourself freezing to death in a tiny shower cubicle trying to rinse shampoo out of your hair with only a tiny trickle of water that feels like it's being pumped directly from the Arctic.

I get that pilgrimage is about suffering, but there has to be a limit. Hot showers for all!

Hospitalarios
Most of our hospitalarios were excellent - big shout out here to Roberto and Elsa in Logrono #legends. However, there were a few bad apples who I think need some 're-education' on the spirit of the Camino:

• The woman who tried to sell us a whole bottle of olive oil when we only needed a dash for the pan

• The American man who insisted on speaking only Spanish to pilgrims (he really was a douche, your Holiness)

• Anyone who tried to send us to bed before we'd finished the wine (can you imagine if someone had interrupted the Last Supper and tried to send Jesus and co to bed before they'd polished off the vino? Me either.)

Statues
There are a few statues of pilgrims along the route but none I saw were of women. Someone told me they did spot one of a woman, but she was weaving a basket or something, so this doesn't count. I was travelling with many wonderful and strong women, yet if the statues are anything to go by, the Camino is just one long sausage-fest.

I'm sure you'll agree this needs to be sorted pronto.

Dancing
Our pilgrim credential allows us to travel by foot, bike or horseback, but I was disappointed to note that dancing is not on the list. I feel I proved sufficiently that it is possible to dance the Camino and there is some video evidence of this, as well as anecdotal evidence from many confused pilgrims who past me along the way. May I humbly suggest a Camino playlist?

• Beyonce - for climbing up hills

• Offensive girl gansta rap - when when you're in pain and need to get to the hostel asap

• Songs from the shows - to get you going after lunch

• James Blunt - mainly to laugh at your Italian friend who likes James Blunt

• The Beatles - because, The Beatles

• Johnny Cash - to keep a old guy happy ;-)

• Simon and Garfunkel - when you're exhausted on a sofa

• Pulp - when you need to sing loud in a forest

• The Arctic Monkeys - for cooking and jumping

• David Bowie - for sunsets

I think this covers everything. I look forward to your swift response.

Your sincerely,

Claire Brown

Pilgrim, Spring 2017